Something that's been on my mind...

We classify our NB kids as Warriors or Angels.  Why should my son be either?  Why can’t he just be a kid.  What is this beast that comes to rob our children and their families of their innocence, of their future?  What parent should ever have to hold their child and not imagine a future for him?  Sure, we “live in the day”, take things “one day at a time”.  Give thanks for the here and now.  Today was a good day- Alejandro ate, played, had fun, fought with his brother, told us he loved us.  Yesterday he was feeling crappy from all the chemo.   He was in a nasty mood, wasn’t hungry for anything, lay around on the sofa until he played with his brother in the afternoon.  Carlos seems to be the cure for everything.  Yesterday was a good day too.  It was a day spent with Alejandro.  With both boys together.  They say this is how life should be lived. One day at a time.  Appreciating the small gifts life gives us.  But we weren’t given a choice.  This came crashing down on us one day in October two years ago with the words “your son has stage IV Neuroblastoma”.  The day our world changed forever.  This was imposed on us.  We never chose to live this way.  There is something intrinsic in thinking in terms of the future when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time.  People say they admire us for how we have adapted to our “situation”.  How “strong” we are.  We are none of these things.  We do what we must.  Nothing more.  I did not ask for this.  My husband and children did not ask for this.   I am not strong.  I do what I must to move from one day to the next, to hold my family together, to give my children hope and strength while all the while I feel as if someone has ripped the rug of all I have ever known and believed out from under me and I have yet to stop the free-fall and regain my balance.  No, I am not strong.  Or brave.  I am just a mother.